Relating - The Initial Contact

Relationships are created in the course of many encounters. These encounters have six levels of interaction to them. By improving the encounters that we have with others we improve the overall relationships we have. In this and the next five newsletters I will explain each of the six levels, the effect of Birth Order on them and provide you with a therapeutic intervention for each.

The six levels of interaction are non-verbal contact, greeting, interaction, cooperation, play and closeness, in that order. Birth Order effects can interfere with each level to diminish the encounter.

The first connection that any two people make with each other is non-verbal. This is true whether the person is someone you know well, an acquaintance or a complete stranger. When the non-verbal communication is a smile the encounter is off to a good start. It is natural to smile whenever you see someone you care about, someone who is a friend or someone you'd like to know better. It is also natural to smile at people with whom you do business, associate with or whom you serve.

Obstacles to smiling come from both early memories and from Birth Order. The early memory from childhood is of being told to smile (usually by an Only Child adult) when you did not feel like smiling because the Only was uncomfortable with your facial expression. That created compulsive/obsessive memories of "I have to smile" and "I can't smile." Consequently, when a smile is called for you may not be able to smile or your smile may be artificial. In counseling I tell such a client to "Forget the memories that make you smile" to relieve the inner conflict. Then I tell the client to "Remember the memories that let you smile" to create a natural smile. A genuine smile originates from the subconscious.

Only Child adults may substitute laughing for smiling because laughing feels safer. Because a smile connects with another person that may feel intrusive to the Only Child. Laughter covers up the discomfort while at the same time creating a jovial atmosphere. However the laughter does not enable connection with the other person so the encounter tends to be a non-encounter from the start. For successful encounters the Only needs to overcome the subconscious fear of intrusion.

The First Born tends to smile a lot away from home or when there are visitors in the home rather than at home. Actually, all Birth Orders tend to smile less at home than away from home. The First Born smile is subconsciously meant to satisfy others to keep from losing others' esteem. As such, the smile may be inappropriate because it does not represent a feeling of pleasure. The smile of initial contact may be especially difficult for the First Born because the effect of it is uncertain - there is no way to predict for sure how the other will respond so the First Born is cautious in smiling.

The Second Born tends to suppress feeling that includes smiling which is an expression of feeling. So, the Second Born tends to never smile or to smile incessantly, depending on the situation. For example, one Second Born woman clerking in a store never smiled there although she did smile in informal settings with friends. A Second Born minister smiled constantly at church, apparently because that is what his work called for. To smile genuinely a Second Born needs to allow smiling is an expression of feeling.

A Third Born who must be strong does not smile because smiling is an expression of feeling. When you are strong you don't express feeling. This person smiles because the other person needs a smile. The Third Born smiles at children, older people, handicapped, poor people, and victims of all kinds because they need it. In being strong the Third Born must disallow feelings that would indicate vulnerability so feelings are hidden. To smile the smile that initiates encounters the Third Born gives up trying to be strong in favor of being human.

The Fourth Born smile is often an act. However, if the Fourth Born is a superb actor, and many are, the smile may pass for real expression of feeling. Of all the Birth Orders, the Fourth Born has the most compulsion to put on an act rather than be him or herself. In order to smile with feeling it needs to be okay for Fourth Borns to be themselves. When acting the Fourth Born can make you feel like you're the greatest as he/she smiles at you.