Intimacy

We are now ready for the final level of relating - closeness. Relating starts with non-verbal expression such as a smile, moves to the greeting that conveys a positive feeling toward the other person, then develops into conversation where each show an interest in each other. This is the casual level of relating. Relating becomes deeper with the fourth level of cooperation in which two people agree on what they are going to do. The fifth level involves play where people enjoy each other. The sixth and final level is closeness where you can be yourself with the other person.

Each Birth Order has its own problems with closeness. The Only Child has problems with intrusion so may avoid closeness to prevent intrusion. The First Born in a world without love doubts that the other person wants to be close. The Second Born in the competitive mode tends to look for reasons to not be close. The Third Born out of a feeling of vulnerability may feel that is a threat. The Fourth Born expecting rejection avoids closeness to minimize the risk of being rejected.

Closeness is the state of being yourself with the other person. Whenever you put on an act you stop being yourself. The Only Child tends to put on an act by trying to feel the same way as the other person. The First Born puts on an act to impress others. The Second Born puts on an act of authority to hide feeling inadequate. The Third Born acts strong. The Fourth Born tries to act mature. Everyone expect others to accept their acting to be what they are. When their performance is challenged they tend to get angry.

You can be yourself in a multitude of ways depending on the situation. In effect, you have many different personalities. Being your self in the work place is different from being your self at home. Being your self with one person is different from being your self with another person. Being your self by yourself is different from being your self with others. In every situation being your self is different from any other situation.

The way to be your self is to tune in to the situation. Paying attention to others turns on the right part of your personality in that situation. If the other person is playful it turns on the part of you that is playful. If the other person is fearful it may turn on the part of you that is reassuring. If the other person is sad it may turn on the part of you that is comforting. If the other person wants to work it may turn on the part of you that wants to work.

Therapy can be done to be yourself. The problem in being yourself goes back to childhood when you were told, "don't be like that." We learned that putting on the right kind of act gained the benefit of parental approval. By the time we were told to be ourselves that became an act also. The therapy is, "Forget the memories that make you be yourself." Since there are memories of you being your self the therapy includes, "Remember the memories that let you be your self."