We’re ready to talk about the fourth level of relating, cooperation. we have talked about improving the initial non-verbal contact, the greeting and the conversation. Now we are ready to get into the more intense level which is cooperation.
Cooperation is based on agreement about what you will do with another person or persons. Cooperation is not possible when two people disagree. When people are having conflict they are in the fourth level of communication without being able to cooperate because they cannot agree.
The obstacles to agreement are created early in childhood when agreement is forced upon a child. There are times when a parent must control a child so every child experiences enforced agreement. This enforced agreement produces an opposite and equal reaction of disagreement. In other words, when a person feels they must agree the subconscious brings up reasons for disagreeing.
The disagreement is over different issues with each Birth Order. Only Children experience disagreement when they feel themselves forced to change a schedule, rearrange their space or give up things. First Borns disagree when they feel someone is forcing a contrary opinion on them. Second Borns are offended when the other person seems to be bragging. Third Borns resist being told what to do. Fourth Borns disagree with anything that seems to put them on the spot. Under these conditions conflict takes the place of cooperation in a mutual activity.
The problem resides in memories created early in life by enforced agreement. This formed a conflict in memories between having to agree and being unable to agree. In adult life when relationship seems to demand agreement these memories are triggered that keep agreement from happening.
To change this, we tell ourselves “Forget the memories that make you agree.” This takes out the inner conflict that forces disagreement.
If relationship depended on complete agreement there would be no relationships. Of course, we have all cooperated with people with whom we did not agree totally. However, we did find some area of agreement that allowed us to do something with this person. It is this ability to find agreement that enhances the ability to cooperate. We want these positive memories to be connected so they enhance relationships so we tell ourselves, “Remember the memories that let you agree.” You will find your relationships moving from conflict to cooperation. Makes for much better relating, doesn’t it?
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