Conversation in Relating

After the initial smile and the greeting the encounter goes on to conversation. The unspoken message in conversation is “I am interested in you.” At least that is what it should be. However, memories rooted in Birth Order may stop that expression. Instead of interest in the other person the message may be, “I am interested in me.”

Interest in someone else is an expression of curiosity. Childhood memories of curiosity being squelched may prevent your interest in someone else. The memories are of being curious about something someone was doing only to be sent away for being intrusive. You asked too many “why” questions. You discovered that being curious invites rejection so you learned not to do it.

How you got rejected depended on the Birth Order of the person doing the rejecting. An Only would reject you for being intrusive. A First Born would reject you for not showing respect by your questions. A Second Born would reject you for distracting from what he or she is doing. A Third Born would reject you to make you figure things out for yourself. A Fourth Born would reject you to keep things to him or herself.

Not only the early memories but also your Birth Order limits your curiosity. An Only can be curious about pleasant things but uncomfortable with unpleasant things. A First Born can be curious about ideas rather than the person. A Second Born can be curious about negative aspects of the other person’s life rather than positive. A Third Born can be curious about the other person’s needs rather than accomplishments. A Fourth Born is more interested in others’ weaknesses rather than strengths. Conversation improves when the limitations to curiosity are overcome.

Engaging in conversation triggers memories that require you to be curious. These memories bring with them restrictions that were set in place when you were curious as a child so these memories make it hard to converse. So, rather than allow curiosity in yourself you talk about yourself. As a result conversations are often two people taking turns talking about themselves. To overcome this handicap, tell your subconscious “Forget those memories that make you be curious.” Of course, you had experiences in which your curiosity was rewarded. Someone answered your questions, was pleased that you asked and made you feel accepted. We want those memories connected. So, tell your subconscious, “Remember the memories that let you be curious.”

Just saying something to yourself is speaking to your subconscious. Remember to use “you” instead of “me” in the statements you make. It is tempting to say “Forget the memories that make me…” instead of “make you.” Saying “you” enables you to dissociate so the statement works. It’s like being your own psychotherapist. A psychotherapist does not say to a client “Forget the memories that make me…”!

Next time we’ll look at the fourth level of interaction, cooperation. Many relationships do not go beyond conversation. Some relationships do not go past a smile or a greeting. That’s okay. Going on to cooperation brings us to encounters that are beyond casual contacts we make.